So, basically, they are human? I see what you’re saying, and share many of your concerns. However, many intelligent, thoughtful, committed latter-day saints are aware of everything you are saying and certainly have not been “duped.” I think it is that very human-ness of church leaders that they understand and even embrace. There are many that apparently make the distinction between the church as a human institution and the church as somehow divinely led and inspired. To some, it can clearly be both. It would have to be, right?

In general, from looking over your blog, I see that you are not bitter, as you say, but very determined that the church is quite wrong and even leading people astray, and thus needs to be “exposed” somehow. I sympathize, but ultimately I guess take the opinion that I simply don’t know for sure whether it is right or wrong, but makes no difference. I see much good, and much truth, and I’m not prepared to condemn it all. Maybe I’m a bit of a fence-sitter, or maybe it’s because I’m trying to remain supportive of my wife who is still very active. I don’t know. But that’s just where I stand. I choose to remain agnostic when it comes to the church – respect it, speak honestly about it – good and bad, but to remain respectfully and deliberately away from it.

I am certainly not angry, to answer your original question. Sad, I suppose, and confused sometimes. I don’t know whether I’m just not disposed to be angry toward the church or about it, or whether I’ve chosen to not be. Being angry would simply be a waste of my time, and would drain my energy and well-being. I am sad when I see bitter, angry, ex-Mormon websites. I just want to say “move on! get a life! grieve, vent a little, but then move on and do something productive and selfless.”

There are good things about the relationship. The good times keep you going. You make excuses for the bad times. Sometimes the abuser tells you how much they love you. Sometimes they tell you how worthless you are. You hide all the signs that something might be wrong. You turn a blind eye to the ways that the abuser hurts you. You try to maintain a public front of perfection. You can’t imagine leaving the relationship. You’re sure that your life will be empty without the abuser. No one else will love you.

The analogy isn’t perfect, but the similarities are striking.

i’m really fed up with all religion.

Interesting. I think that may be the difference in attitude between what makes a New Order Mormon (or whatever you choose to call it) and what makes a former Mormon. You feel very attached to your fellow Mormons and don’t want to lose those relationships. By the time I started to disbelieve, I had already become disenchanted with certain aspects of LDS doctrine and culture, and as nice and friendly as the LDS people are, I realized that my friendships with most of them were quite shallow. Moving from one ward to another killed off most friendships.

My wife loves Medium, BTW.

Markii,

That would hurt. My parents have not been as in my face about my disbelief. I’ve tried to see things from their perspective as much as I can. I suspect that what comes out of your parents’ mouths as condemnation may be motivated by a mixture of fear and love. They really believe that their son is throwing away his eternal reward for a pottage of lentils.

They may also feel personally attacked. When I say “Certain claims of Mormonism are false”, many Mormons hear “You’re a stupid fool”. It’s not the same thing, but it feels that way to them. For the sake of familial harmony, it may be best to avoid discussing religion.

You wrote, “You turn a blind eye to the ways that the abuser hurts you. You try to maintain a public front of perfection. You can’t imagine leaving the relationship. You’re sure that your life will be empty without the abuser. No one else will love you.”

What makes me angry is how the church itself, through its teachings and the teachings of its prophets and general authorities, reinforces these insidious ideas that if you leave, bad things will happen, and your life will be empty, that your family will be lost to you. That it will be only due to the fact that you’ve allowed Satan in to corrupt you. That’s emotional abuse at its finest. That kind of makes me angry.

The shame I feel for the needless judgements I made about loved ones who were experiencing “wickedness never was happiness” moments in their lives kind of makes me a bit angry as well.

But most of all, my anger stems from the church expecting ME to exhibit these traits, while the founders of our religion and subsequent presidents have failed to exhibit these traits themselves:

honesty
honor
integrity
recognizing and honoring individual worth
accepting others who are different
choosing the right
divine nature
accountability
remorse for sins committed
repentance of sins

A religion IS its people. I resent that I was made to feel guilty for each and every failure to be as the church leaders said I should be, when all along the same behaviors in our beloved past and present leaders was covered up and hidden from my view, just because knowing such things might not be faith promoting. That makes me angry.

Although, I will say, I agree somewhat at the futility of feeling such anger. It really doesn’t do much good to hold onto that anger, so instead, I write and process what I’m feeling, and sometimes I even find humor in it, just for fun.

I love your blog, by the way.

sml

The Mormons I interact with in my ward seem like generally nice people, trying to do the right things. We had a bishop in the past that I did have some hate for – he made a close friend of mine pretty miserable. But now he’s gone, and the current guy seems very down to earth and sincere. There are a couple of nutty people in our ward, but they tend to be drowned out by the overall white bread, picket fence blandness that permeates my entire community, not just the LDS part. Except for my rebellious and mostly secret disaffection from the church and religious beliefs, I’m right there with them, indistinguishable.

There are aspects of LDS culture and doctrine that I hate. I can get worked up about that stuff, so I guess in that respect I am angry. I guess I just don’t direct it anyone. Perhaps I should.

If I haven’t said so before, that post with Joseph Smith putting the moves on Helen Mar Kimball is hilarious. nastyboyJS! That’s classic.

Floating in the Milk,

You make it sound all so stifling. I think I’d have to scream. Setting boundaries has helped me make a transition even though I still attend church. I don’t wear white shirts or ties, and I don’t participate in the prayers, sacrament, sustaining of officers, etc. It would be hard to not have that symbolic barrier.

Fascinating.

In Germany I met real people, just like you and me, who did what most good people have always done: fear and respect authority … and give it legitimacy by being good, nice, friendly, loving, caring, people. By being human.

Now I’m not saying that the church is just like the Nazi’s — what I’m saying is that we (all of us) are no different than the average human being who has lived at any time, and are just as susceptible to bowing the head and stepping in line to maintain an sustain any authority with the real or perceived power to remove from us the things we hold most dear.

So when a church, a faith, a god can set the hook of belief in such a way that human minds cannot resist and even crave, then stand over us and hold the promise of eternal happiness together with those people in our lives who we would in truth sacrifice all for … then salt of the earth people bow their heads, and hold their loved ones fast to them by passing the hook into generation after generation of children and converts … serving their masters “with fear and trembling”.

It’s the banality of evil. No evil was ever perpetrated for long without the assent of good people. And all along they never cease being good. This is the power of fear — and perhaps one of the greatest delusions is that good people are not capable of being its slave while blissfully carrying on.

You’re goddam right I’m angry.