You’re probably right that I never managed to “get it”. I think many of humanity’s problems stem from the fact that we each have our own perspective. When we talk to each other, we tend to not get each other’s perspective.
Have you ever heard the word grok? (also see the wonderful Jargon File definition) It’s a wonderful word which connotes deep understanding, usually from personal experience of the true nature of a thing.
If there is a God, I never grokked Him. I tried but failed. I have the feeling that most people who read it will fail to grok my story. I’m not impugning their intelligence. It’s just that you have to have gone through a very similar experience in order to truly understand beyond the superficial level.
One person who I think would grok my story is Julia Sweeney, the comedienne most people know best as Pat from SNL. I’ll be reviewing her hilarious monologue Letting Go of God on my blog at some future time. She tells her story of leaving behind her Catholicism as she lets go of her belief in God. When I listened to her tell her story, I recognized so much of my own story. It was striking. I would go so far as to describe us as kindred spirits in this one aspect of our lives. You can catch an excerpt of the first part of her monologue. It’s ironic, she credits some Mormon missionaries with changing her life.
You’re right, the heart of why I’m leaving the Church is centered on the question of God’s existence. However, the institution and doctrines of the Church are not completely off the hook. If there is a God, then the Church failed as a vehicle for me to reach Him. Mormonism has very little to say to the atheist in the way of showing why God should be believed in. As I have said, the Church takes belief in God almost for granted.
I’m happy that you find happiness in Mormonism. I don’t need every Mormon to be miserable so that I can feel justified. 
I hope, though, that you can see where the gospel message can produce guilt.
For me, leaving aside any sins of commission for a moment, there were always more things that I needed to do. Did I get my Home Teaching done? Did I go to choir practice? Have I written in my journal? How much food storage do I have? Am I gardening? Did I read the lessons for next Sunday’s priesthood and Sunday school classes? Have I gone to the temple within the last couple of weeks? Have I spent enough time on my church callings lately? On and on… Perfectionism runs high in the Church despite leaders’ counsel against it. The Church sends conflicting messages that you should be anxiously engaged but make sure that you don’t run faster than you are able. It’s a very difficult balance to strike, especially for the very conscientious.
Anyway, my point here is that for every Mormon who groks the gospel message and has their guilt swallowed up in the Atonement of Christ, there is another Mormon who, like me, fails to grok the message which brings relief; who struggles under the weight of so much pressure without any vivifying influence of the Spirit. As this transition happened in my life, I began listening more closely to the testimonies which were borne in Sunday meetings. I may have been imagining things, but I think a significant portion of active members of the Church are like I was: they may have had emotional moments of broken-heartedness which they attributed to the Spirit but which didn’t produce lasting conviction. They struggle against the cognitive dissonance between what they hear in Church and what their experiences are telling them.
Take that as a warning, if you like. What can the Church do to serve these people better? Are those strugglers failing, or is the Church failing them in some way?
]]>