DO YU HAVE FAITH IN AND TESTIMONY OV GOD TEH ETERNAL FATHR, HIZ SON JESUZ CHRIST, AND TEH HOLY GHOST?

No.

DO YOUZ HAVE TESTIMONY OF TEH ATONEMENT OF CHRIST AND OV HIZ ROLE AZ SAVIOR AND REDEEMR? KTHX.

No, I’m no longer convinced that I need saving from anything.

DO U HAVE TESTIMONY OF TEH RESTORASHUN OV TEH GOSPEL IN THEEZ, TEH LATTR DAYZ?

No. The Orthodox churches look a lot more like the New Testament than the LDS church. The LDS church looks more like a mixture of the various influences in Joseph Smith’s life, fermented in Rocky Mountain isolation, and filtered through modern American culture. Not so much like a restoration of early Christianity.

DO U SUSTAIN TEH PRESIDENT OF TEH CHURCH OF JESUZ CHRIST OF LATTR-DAY SAINTZ AZ TEH PROFET, SER, AND REVELATR AND AZ TEH ONLY PERSON ON TEH EARTH HOO POSSESSEZ AND AR AUTHORIZED 2 EXERCISE ALL PRIESTHOOD KEYZ? DO YOO SUSTAIN MEMBERZ OF TEH FIRST PRESIDENCY AND TEH QUORUM OV TEH TWELVE APOSTLEZ AZ PROFETZ, SEERZ, AND REVELATORZ? DO YOO SUSTAIN TEH UDDR GENERAL AUTHORITIEZ AND LOCAL AUTHORITIEZ OF TEH CHURCH?

No.

DO U LIVE TEH LAW OV CHASTITY?

Hmm, if I go by the temple ceremony that the “law of chastity … is that no one of you will have sexual intercourse except with your [spouse] to whom you are legally and lawfully wedded”, then yes.

AR THERE ANYTHIN IN YORE CONDUCT RELATINS TO MEMBERZ OV YOAR FAMILY THAT AR NOT IN HARMONY WITH TEH TEACHINGZ OF TEH CHURCH?

I feel happy to be free of church-service—induced absenteeism from family service and the requirement to indoctrinate my children instead of teaching them to think for themselves.

Let me be charitable and assume that this question was meant to ask whether I am a good husband, parent, son, etc. under the assumption that the church is good for families. Then, yes.

DO YOUZ SUPPORT, AFFILIATE WITH, OR AGREE WITH ANY GROUP OR INDIVIDUAL HOOSE TEACHINGZ OR PRACTICEZ AR CONTRARY TO OR OPPOSE THOSE ACCEPTED BY TEH CHURCH OV JESUZ CHRIST OF LATTR-DAY SAINTZ?

Hell! I am one of those individuals.

So yes.

DO U STRIVE 2 KEEP TEH COVENANTZ YOO HAVE MADE, TO ATTEND YORE SACRAMENT AND UDDR MEETINGZ, AND TO KEEP YORE LIFE IN HARMONY WITH TEH LAWZ AND COMMANDMENTZ OF TEH GOSPEL?

No. Instead, I’m striving to be a good person.

IS YU HONEST IN YOAR DEALINGZ WITH YORE FELLOWMEN? KTHX.

Yes.

R YOUZ FULL-TITEH PAYR? KTHX!

No. However, I am accepting applications from charities that I can verify are doing good things with my money. Can I see your books?

DO YUR KEEP TEH WORD OF WISDOM?

Yes, with one exception: I don’t drink mild alcoholic drinks as suggested in D&C 89:17. Instead, I abstain from all alcohol.

DO U HAVE FINANCIAL OR UDDR OBLGASHUNZ T 4MR SPOUSE OR CHILDREN? IF YEZ, IS U CURRENT IN MEETIN THOSE OBLIGASHUNZ?

No.

IF YOUZ HAVE PREVIOUSLY RECEIVED YUR TEMPLE ENDOWMENT: DO YU KEEP TEH COVENANTZ THAT U MADE IN TEH TEMPLE? DO U WEAR TEH GARMENT BUDD NITE AND DAY AZ INSTRUCTED IN TEH ENDOWMENT AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH TEH COVENANT U MADE IN TEH TEMPLE?

No and no.

HAVE THERE BEEN ANY SINZ OR MISDEEDZ IN YUR LIFE THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESOLVED WITH PRIESTHOOD AUTHORITIEZ BUT HAVE NOT BEEN?

No.

DO YU CONSIDR URSELF WRDY 2 ENTR TEH LORDZ HOUSE AND PARTICIPATE N TEMPLE ORDINANCEZ? KTHXBYE!

Yes, though I probably won’t attend. I haven’t missed going these past two years. I take my naps at home these days.

Actually, I feel better now that I don’t feel like a schmuck for not attending. Toward the end, trying to get meaningful insights at the temple—something that would make me a better person—was rather like trying to wring water from a dry sponge. I tried really hard, but I received little reward. Mostly, I felt good for fulfilling my obligation to attend… and a little better rested.

(Special thanks to the LOLCAT Interactive Translator.)

[Now that I've answered the questions without reviewing my previous answers, let me take a look, return, and report.… It's funny to see how little has changed. I gave very similar answers in some cases. The biggest thing to have changed is my general lack of angst. My reaction is generally "meh" unless I start thinking about being barred from my daughters' weddings. Grrrr.]