Mormon Me vs. The Infidel
[This is a comment that I made at Songs from the Wood that I think worth preserving for posterity.]
I almost want to say something similar, that I have never believed in God. I suspect that to say “I was always an atheist” is too reductive though.
For me, it feels more accurate to say that an unbelieving part of me has always struggled against the Mormon part of me. I always doubted, and as you say, never fully internalized all Mormon beliefs. The Mormon part tried to strangle the nonbeliever, but could never fully succeed. During the decades that the Mormon held sway, the infidel stealthily gathered strength. There came a day when the infidel rose up and sucker punched the Mormon, and the struggle ended.
I have peace of mind now because two parts of me no longer battle for supremacy. The Mormon believer no longer exists in any meaningful way inside me.
Looking back, I am tempted to project my single-mindedness backward in time and claim that the single-minded infidel was the authentic me. I hesitate because I suspect that I had an authentic experience as a Mormon, that many people who call themselves Mormon are having the same kind of experience.
By some particular definition of the word, I was Mormon for a while.
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The atheist hiding within the Mormon « Irresistible (Dis)Grace said,
May 28, 2009 @ 9:27 pm
[...] The atheist hiding within the Mormon May 28, 2009 — Andrew I’ve been reading some really good articles today, and it just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. First is Kullervo’s article at Songs from the Wood entitled “I Have Always Been A Pagan.” And the second is a comment from Jonathan Blake at Green Oasis entitled “Mormon Me vs. The Infidel.” [...]
The consumer model of religion — A look at a BCC post at Mormon Matters said,
May 30, 2009 @ 12:42 am
[...] I wanted to make a qualification and…perhaps…a defense…of what he lambastes as a “consumer model” of religion…especially since recently on my blog, I’ve been talking about the need to find one’s philosophical “fit” (and others have written about similar issues). [...]
Mytha said,
May 30, 2009 @ 7:27 am
This is a perfect description of my experience as well. It’s a huge relief to have the battle over with.
Jonathan said,
May 30, 2009 @ 8:31 am
It’s funny how many of us have this experience. I try to be fair and imagine that some converts to the LDS church experience the same thing in reverse.
jmb275 said,
May 30, 2009 @ 2:47 pm
I’m on board with you here!! There are many of us. I still respect, and recognize the Mormon believer inside, but he no longer reigns on high. In fact, he is the background nursing his wounds.
Jonathan said,
May 30, 2009 @ 4:22 pm
It’s good to realize that I’m not alone.
If I had to take the analogy way too far, I would say the believer moved out of the house hastily. He left a lot of his furniture, CDs, and stuff behind. I’m keep his stuff around because I’m either too lazy to get rid of it, because I’m used to the house the way it is, or because his stuff is useful. But I have a feeling that he’s never coming back.
If that makes sense.
Sunday in Outer Blogness: Back again edition! | Main Street Plaza said,
May 30, 2009 @ 11:35 pm
[...] Mormonism meant being true to themselves: Kullervo has always been a Pagan, Jonathan’s inner infidel overcame his Mormon side, and Mormon Andrew had an atheist hiding inside. In a similar vein, ChristFollower discusses how he [...]
Main Street Plaza » Sunday in Outer Blogness: Back again edition! said,
October 20, 2010 @ 12:30 pm
[...] Mormonism meant being true to themselves: Kullervo has always been a Pagan, Jonathan’s inner infidel overcame his Mormon side, and Mormon Andrew had an atheist hiding inside. In a similar vein, ChristFollower discusses how he [...]