I’m Not Angry
I never really got angry. Who could I blame? Every individual Mormon that I could think of seemed to be sincere. We all did what we thought was best. If we withheld information, we did it out of concern for the fragile testimonies of others. Milk before meat and all. I got angry at God for a while, but I couldn’t sustain anger against something that I thought was imaginary.
Even now, I’m not angry at the LDS church members and leaders. I still believe in their sincerity. The only people I have reason to blame are Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Both seemed to have abused their power for personal gain. Perhaps others in church leadership have done the same. I don’t know. I find it hard to be angry at dead people, too.
Almost every Mormon does the best they know how. Like worker ants, they take care of their small tasks largely unaware of what the whole community is doing. Even the queen of the ant hill just does her one thing: laying eggs. There isn’t a central mind that can take responsibility for the actions of the whole. Individual Mormons might not intend to deceive anyone, but the cumulative effects of all their individual labors deceives.
The church as a whole hides from its dirty laundry. The idea that God directs the LDS church prevents most Mormons from admitting the mistakes of the past. The church has painted itself into a corner. I has taught its members to expect nothing less than a church lead by God. The leaders of the church must never lead the people astray. Yet the members discover more and more each day that the LDS church doesn’t meet their high expectations.
Leaders carouse with and marry other men’s wives. They lie to the public about polygamy. They prophesy falsely. They change scriptures. They never publicly disclose their financial dealings. They disagree about fundamental doctrine. They intentionally distort the presentation of church history in order to make it as favorable as possible. They try to silence critics.
All this and I’m still not angry. Call me naïve, but I still think most of them believe in the divinity of the LDS church. I still believe that they think they act in our best interest. “We know the Gospel is true, so everything we do to build up the kingdom is justified.”
I have a hard time empathizing with those who get really angry. For those of you who went through some anger while leaving the church, what got you angry? What do you think about your anger now?
Tags: Atheism, Awakening, belief, Brigham Young, church, history, Joseph Smith, LDS, Mormonism, plural marriage, polygamy, religion
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July 2, 2007 @ 9:16 am
Synchronicity is weird. I just read a post by Sister Mary Lisa that personifies the LDS church as a controlling lover. She doesn’t say this, but the church personified behaves very differently than its members.
July 2, 2007 @ 9:19 am
“Leaders carouse with and marry other men’s wives. They lie to the public about polygamy. They prophesy falsely. They change scriptures. They never publicly disclose their financial dealings. They disagree about fundamental doctrine. They intentionally distort the presentation of church history in order to make it as favorable as possible. They try to silence critics.”
So, basically, they are human? I see what you’re saying, and share many of your concerns. However, many intelligent, thoughtful, committed latter-day saints are aware of everything you are saying and certainly have not been “duped.” I think it is that very human-ness of church leaders that they understand and even embrace. There are many that apparently make the distinction between the church as a human institution and the church as somehow divinely led and inspired. To some, it can clearly be both. It would have to be, right?
In general, from looking over your blog, I see that you are not bitter, as you say, but very determined that the church is quite wrong and even leading people astray, and thus needs to be “exposed” somehow. I sympathize, but ultimately I guess take the opinion that I simply don’t know for sure whether it is right or wrong, but makes no difference. I see much good, and much truth, and I’m not prepared to condemn it all. Maybe I’m a bit of a fence-sitter, or maybe it’s because I’m trying to remain supportive of my wife who is still very active. I don’t know. But that’s just where I stand. I choose to remain agnostic when it comes to the church – respect it, speak honestly about it – good and bad, but to remain respectfully and deliberately away from it.
I am certainly not angry, to answer your original question. Sad, I suppose, and confused sometimes. I don’t know whether I’m just not disposed to be angry toward the church or about it, or whether I’ve chosen to not be. Being angry would simply be a waste of my time, and would drain my energy and well-being. I am sad when I see bitter, angry, ex-Mormon websites. I just want to say “move on! get a life! grieve, vent a little, but then move on and do something productive and selfless.”
July 2, 2007 @ 10:52 am
I think you’ve made a fair assessment of my attitude. I wouldn’t say that the church is evil. I want to say that the relationship between the church and its members is unhealthy: it’s helpful, comforting, familiar, limiting, controlling, abusive. It makes sense to imagine the LDS church as an abusive lover and the members as codependent enablers.
There are good things about the relationship. The good times keep you going. You make excuses for the bad times. Sometimes the abuser tells you how much they love you. Sometimes they tell you how worthless you are. You hide all the signs that something might be wrong. You turn a blind eye to the ways that the abuser hurts you. You try to maintain a public front of perfection. You can’t imagine leaving the relationship. You’re sure that your life will be empty without the abuser. No one else will love you.
The analogy isn’t perfect, but the similarities are striking.
July 2, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
Actually it’s more like the episode of Medium where a guy is shot and loses his memory, becoming a totally different person, a better person. In the end though, he can’t escape the fact that he used to be a guy who hired and then killed prostitutes. And his wife, who knows him as a loving and devoted husband, just wants desperately for the past not to matter, because he isn’t that person any more. But nobody can make that happen, because it IS his past, and he needs to face it. Even if it ruins his happiness, and hers.
July 2, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
Yeah you know i’m not that angry either, i kind of see it as you do where every1′s intentions are good but they just “know not” kind of thing. the only thing that has made me mad recently (to answer your question) is that it has hurt my relationships with my parents. they honestly see me as not being as good of a person since i’m not into their church conversations and i verbally doubt God in their presence. they’ve quoted scripture condemning me, quoted the GA’s as well and that hurts bad. that’s something to be mad about.
i’m really fed up with all religion.
July 3, 2007 @ 8:39 am
chosa,
Interesting. I think that may be the difference in attitude between what makes a New Order Mormon (or whatever you choose to call it) and what makes a former Mormon. You feel very attached to your fellow Mormons and don’t want to lose those relationships. By the time I started to disbelieve, I had already become disenchanted with certain aspects of LDS doctrine and culture, and as nice and friendly as the LDS people are, I realized that my friendships with most of them were quite shallow. Moving from one ward to another killed off most friendships.
My wife loves Medium, BTW.
Markii,
That would hurt. My parents have not been as in my face about my disbelief. I’ve tried to see things from their perspective as much as I can. I suspect that what comes out of your parents’ mouths as condemnation may be motivated by a mixture of fear and love. They really believe that their son is throwing away his eternal reward for a pottage of lentils.
They may also feel personally attacked. When I say “Certain claims of Mormonism are false”, many Mormons hear “You’re a stupid fool”. It’s not the same thing, but it feels that way to them. For the sake of familial harmony, it may be best to avoid discussing religion.
July 3, 2007 @ 9:01 am
You’re spot on, man.
July 3, 2007 @ 10:02 am
Jonathan, nice comments here.
You wrote, “You turn a blind eye to the ways that the abuser hurts you. You try to maintain a public front of perfection. You can’t imagine leaving the relationship. You’re sure that your life will be empty without the abuser. No one else will love you.”
What makes me angry is how the church itself, through its teachings and the teachings of its prophets and general authorities, reinforces these insidious ideas that if you leave, bad things will happen, and your life will be empty, that your family will be lost to you. That it will be only due to the fact that you’ve allowed Satan in to corrupt you. That’s emotional abuse at its finest. That kind of makes me angry.
The shame I feel for the needless judgements I made about loved ones who were experiencing “wickedness never was happiness” moments in their lives kind of makes me a bit angry as well.
But most of all, my anger stems from the church expecting ME to exhibit these traits, while the founders of our religion and subsequent presidents have failed to exhibit these traits themselves:
honesty
honor
integrity
recognizing and honoring individual worth
accepting others who are different
choosing the right
divine nature
accountability
remorse for sins committed
repentance of sins
A religion IS its people. I resent that I was made to feel guilty for each and every failure to be as the church leaders said I should be, when all along the same behaviors in our beloved past and present leaders was covered up and hidden from my view, just because knowing such things might not be faith promoting. That makes me angry.
Although, I will say, I agree somewhat at the futility of feeling such anger. It really doesn’t do much good to hold onto that anger, so instead, I write and process what I’m feeling, and sometimes I even find humor in it, just for fun.
I love your blog, by the way.
sml
July 3, 2007 @ 10:05 am
I’ve never been able to work up a decent amount of anger toward the church as a whole. The most I could muster was feeling pissed off that large swaths of my life seemed to be under the control of a delusional con-man, who lived a long time ago. But as you said, he’s dead – how much time can I spend being angry at a dead person. I’m angry that I still have to pretend much of the time; that I’ve been unable to cut myself off from the church. But this is anger at me more than anything – I’ve chosen the path I took because it’s seemed like the best way so far.
The Mormons I interact with in my ward seem like generally nice people, trying to do the right things. We had a bishop in the past that I did have some hate for – he made a close friend of mine pretty miserable. But now he’s gone, and the current guy seems very down to earth and sincere. There are a couple of nutty people in our ward, but they tend to be drowned out by the overall white bread, picket fence blandness that permeates my entire community, not just the LDS part. Except for my rebellious and mostly secret disaffection from the church and religious beliefs, I’m right there with them, indistinguishable.
July 3, 2007 @ 5:26 pm
SML,
There are aspects of LDS culture and doctrine that I hate. I can get worked up about that stuff, so I guess in that respect I am angry. I guess I just don’t direct it anyone. Perhaps I should.
If I haven’t said so before, that post with Joseph Smith putting the moves on Helen Mar Kimball is hilarious. nastyboyJS! That’s classic.
Floating in the Milk,
You make it sound all so stifling. I think I’d have to scream. Setting boundaries has helped me make a transition even though I still attend church. I don’t wear white shirts or ties, and I don’t participate in the prayers, sacrament, sustaining of officers, etc. It would be hard to not have that symbolic barrier.
July 3, 2007 @ 5:46 pm
I left when I was a counselor in the primary presidency. It was just too difficult for me to sit through the sharing time lessons and the songs… I may have to blog about that soon. If I had just been going to RS and listening and not actually being expected to TEACH the kids what I no longer believed, then it may have turned out differently for me.
Fascinating.
July 13, 2007 @ 1:13 am
One thing I learned on my mission — perhaps the most important thing — I learned it from the kindest, gentlest, most salt of the earth kind of people who had lived in silent desperation as their neighbors disappeared … some even turned-in their neighbors to the authorities, thinking they were doing the right thing … fear of the consequences that might arise should they feel the anger … consequences to self and family which would be wrong … which would destroy their happiness.
In Germany I met real people, just like you and me, who did what most good people have always done: fear and respect authority … and give it legitimacy by being good, nice, friendly, loving, caring, people. By being human.
Now I’m not saying that the church is just like the Nazi’s — what I’m saying is that we (all of us) are no different than the average human being who has lived at any time, and are just as susceptible to bowing the head and stepping in line to maintain an sustain any authority with the real or perceived power to remove from us the things we hold most dear.
So when a church, a faith, a god can set the hook of belief in such a way that human minds cannot resist and even crave, then stand over us and hold the promise of eternal happiness together with those people in our lives who we would in truth sacrifice all for … then salt of the earth people bow their heads, and hold their loved ones fast to them by passing the hook into generation after generation of children and converts … serving their masters “with fear and trembling”.
It’s the banality of evil. No evil was ever perpetrated for long without the assent of good people. And all along they never cease being good. This is the power of fear — and perhaps one of the greatest delusions is that good people are not capable of being its slave while blissfully carrying on.
You’re goddam right I’m angry.
July 13, 2007 @ 1:21 am
[...] as a comment at Green [...]
July 16, 2007 @ 9:05 pm
Mel, I love your comments whenever I see them. Never fails. You;re so well-spoken.
July 16, 2007 @ 9:47 pm
Sister Mary Lisa, thank you for that. And thanks for saving me from being the thread-killer …. oh, wait … I think I just blew it.
July 16, 2007 @ 9:51 pm
Here, maybe this will help…