Why I Left
I’m going to tell a little bit about why I left the LDS church, but this time the gloves are off. I’m not going to be vicious, but I’m in a mood and I will be completely forthright. Don’t read it if you’re going to allow yourself to be offended (Elder Bednar’s got by back on this one). If you think that you will allow yourself to be offended, please content yourself with the more palatable recounting of my story. Be doubly forewarned.
As I sought a greater connection with God through study and prayer, I learned that the history of the Mormon church isn’t what it is portrayed to be. I have encountered anti-Mormon literature throughout my life like most members of the Church. It caused me some moments of panicked doubt, but through study and the help of others, I was able to see through the spiteful lies and return to faith.
Things were different when I read Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Lyman Bushman, currently serving as a Stake Patriarch. This book wasn’t filled with lies from the anti-Mormon crowd. It presented what the historical evidence seems to say without bias for or against the LDS church.
It became clear from this book and others that the Mormon religion wasn’t founded by a heroic, almost god-like prophet of the last days, but by a deeply flawed human being. Brother Joseph may have had experiences which led him to feel a divine vocation, but I saw little evidence that the Church was actually led by the hand of God. Joseph lived as a human being, full of pride, anger, and lust. He fell victim to his own power. He seduced young women and other men’s wives into sexual relationships through charisma and the promise of eternal salvation for themselves and their families. Only after his first affair did he mention to anyone the doctrine of polygamy. In case it didn’t come through the first time I said it, Joseph Smith was married to other men’s wives while the men were still alive and married. In a handful of cases, Joseph Smith practiced polyandry. That was news to me.
There were missteps, blunders, and doctrinal reversals at every step of early Church history. Joseph’s inept leadership culminated in Joseph and Hyrum’s assassinations and the exile of most of the Saints into the Rocky Mountains. The Saints were not strictly innocent victims as we often see portrayed by the LDS church. They provoked some of their own troubles.
I next read Mormonism in Transition: A History of the Latter-day Saints, 1890-1930 by Thomas G. Alexander. This was another scholarly work which presented a balanced history of the Mormons in Utah during this pivotal time. The book treated many themes, but the ones that stuck with me concern:
- the radical changes in doctrine during this time like the abandonment of the Adam-God theory which had been taught in the Temple Endowment for a time
- the continued, secret solemnization of polygamous marriages by members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve well into the twentieth century despite public avowals to the contrary
- the consolidation of centralized priesthood authority in the church which removed the autonomy of the Relief Society and the other auxiliary organizations (the Relief Society had been a parallel organization to the priesthood)
- the change in emphasis from worship centered around gifts of the Spirit to attendance at the temple (this change also further reduced the autonomy of the Sisters of the Church who were probably the most fervent practitioners of the Gifts, who for example, would often heal members of Church through their spiritual gifts)
- the nascent development of a literalist orthodoxy which changed the original, freeform, creedless Mormonism into the more authoritarian, exclusive religion we are familiar with today
I next read David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism by Gregory A Prince and Wm Robert Wright. This book tells the story of how Mormonism was transformed into something that is easily recognizable to modern members. It traces the continued consolidation of power and authority and the continued creation of an LDS orthodoxy. It also portrayed the machinations and politics at the highest levels of the Church which betrays the image of calm unanimity which is portrayed to the public. It only added another damning witness to the previous two books in my eyes.
At this point, I was on pretty shaky ground. I was a member of a church that I no longer recognized. I didn’t know whether to give up on Mormonism entirely or to become a fundamentalist Mormon in hopes of regaining something which was lost.
Enter the new crop of atheist authors, stage right. I never read any of Dawkins’, Harris’, or Dennet’s books, but I became familiar with their ideas through snippets of text and video on the internet.
I don’t think I’ve shared this anywhere else yet, but the following two sites were a central turning point when I became aware of how absurd a belief in God looked when observed objectively: Why Won’t God Heal Amputees and Kissing Hank’s Ass (video inspired by Kissing Hank’s Ass). The first asks a very provocative question. Had I ever heard of an amputee made whole through prayer? Why not? I thought I had a good answer to this challenging question, but as I read through that site, I realized that my answer was only a weak rationalization to preserve a belief which seemed more and more like simple superstition.
It all comes down to this: what the atheists said made sense on a level that all my religious training did not. My experiences, when I looked at them honestly, confirmed the atheists’ viewpoint much more than it confirmed the Mormon doctrines. I had never seen God or felt any special communion with Him. I never had a witness of the Holy Spirit that could be distinguished from a simple emotional response. I had never witnessed any miracles. Answers to my prayers had been sporadic and indistinguishable from natural phenomena. The leaders of the LDS church seemed like nothing more than sincere men who acted with no more insight than other intelligent managers in the business world.
My world under the burden of my religious faith had been filled with guilt, fear, and superstition. If you had told me this at the time, I would have denied it. The world was peachy keen from where I stood. I was a fish swimming in an ocean of water, ignorant of the true nature of my surroundings. I must say the following exactly as it is: the Mormon church laid a mighty awful mindfuck on me. It’s only now that I can see that.
Giving up on Mormonism, Satan, and God has made the world make sense. I was always struggling to reconcile my beliefs with what I saw in the world around me. I never dug too deeply into religious doctrines because it only ended in paradox and infinite regress. My mind is now unfettered by filial, cultural, or dogmatic constraints. I feel no obligation to believe anything that isn’t reasonable to me.
All the days of my life I had never known the pleasure of pure intellectual integrity. Now that I’ve tasted that fruit which is most precious and sweet above all that is sweet, I will not be easily persuaded to turn back to the pandemonium of the great and spacious houses of religious ignorance and pride.
Tags: Atheism, Awakening, belief, church, conversion, faith, fear, guilt, history, Mormon Fundamentalism, plural marriage, polygamy, prayer, religion
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March 22, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
That post may make it seem like I believe all religious people are idiots. You’ll have to trust me when I say that I don’t. In the same way that I feel that it’s foolish to be a staunch Republican or Democrat and yet otherwise respect the person’s intelligence, I can find a belief in God absurd and still respect the believer. None of us are perfect, after all.
And just so you know, I don’t say these kinds of things often. I don’t attend church meetings and throw my reasons for disbelief in the faces of the believers. I don’t want to destroy someone’s belief out of spite. Honestly, I wonder if the world wouldn’t be a better place without religion. I try to present what I believe are correct principles, and let people decide for themselves.
In the end, this is my house, and I tried to warn any of my guests who might take offense, so I don’t feel bad.
March 23, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
Jonathan:
Best of wishes to you on this journey. Having been through this myself, I know it’s a difficult path. I feel for your wife, too, as I went through so much pain when my John first revealed his disbelief to me. Tough stuff.
Will you, by chance, be around Utah during the Suntone Symposium in August? It might be fun to meet up with you and your wife.
March 23, 2007 @ 10:04 pm
I wasn’t planning on being in Utah in August, but I’ll have to think about attending the Sunstone Symposium. I’ve never been but I’ve heard lots of fun things about, and it would be interesting to meet up with you and your husband. I’ll let you know if I actually convert my musings into real action.
March 25, 2007 @ 7:48 am
That was interesting. Thanks, Jonathan. Mormonism could be a perfectly healthy religion if it were not so authoritarian and literalist.
March 25, 2007 @ 10:52 am
I’m beginning to think that the only healthy religion is one that doesn’t take itself literally, a religion that openly acknowledges its myths for what they are. I wouldn’t mind telling my children select Bible stories as long as I could present them as fables. The ideal that is presented in the life of Jesus is a powerful one. I don’t think it needs to be literally true to be a powerful force in our lives for good.
For this reason, I’ve gained a new respect for the neo-pagans. They (speaking generally about a very diverse group) don’t actually believe in their myths and symbols. They use them as tools to reveal truth, nothing more.
Don’t worry: I’m not planning any midnight orgies under the mistletoe.
Nick Literski said,
April 19, 2007 @ 1:32 pm
While part of me hesitates to identify myself with any particular religion, my own views have moved from Mormonism to something much closer to Neo-Paganism. As Jonathan points out, many Pagans have no belief whatsoever in any literal deity. Rather, deities are picked and chosen, even modified, and made use of as archetypes—as symbols of aspects of the self.
When I came out of the closet and left Mormonism, the entire structure of rules evaporated for me. They became entirely irrelevant. I believe in personal responsibility these days. I don’t believe in guilt; I believe in recognizing my mistakes, setting right what I can, and making future improvements. I find the entire concept of making (or even allowing) someone else to pay a “penalty” for my mistakes to be morally reprehensible.
As I’ve told friends, I fired Jesus a while ago, finding he was entirely unqualified for the job.
April 21, 2007 @ 8:56 am
The whole idea of a blood atonement by one man for all of humanity because God needs justice to be done is so counter-intuitive. What in our lives led us to accept that? It’s only because other people told us it was so. How did they know? Probably by the same method. There was never any reason in my life to believe such absurdity except hearsay.
Why is it so clear to me now and I couldn’t see it then?
Nick Literski said,
April 23, 2007 @ 9:48 am
Joseph Smith, of course, had much to say about these “traditions of men,” and how when he preached anything different, the people would “fly to pieces like glass.”
I agree with you. The whole “sin/atonement” model just has no rational basis at all for me now. The only value I can see in it is as a tool to help those who are unable to move on from their own mistakes. By imagining a “penalty” and a mythical demigod who “paid” it for them, they are able to “get over themselves,” to put it bluntly. It’s really a shame.
April 23, 2007 @ 10:05 am
The dark secret, I think, is that this myth is terribly ineffective at motivating most people to make positive changes. Guilt and fear generally aren’t good motivators.
The people who attend church services are a small subset of those who have been taught to believe in the myth, so knowledge of or belief in the myth alone are insufficient to motivate. There is little evidence that church-goers are any better behaved than the irreligious, so religious activity isn’t a clear-cut factor in producing better lives. In fact, it seems that non-believers are under-represented in the prison system, for example. The idea that religion makes us better people looks like a lie cooked up by God’s PR staff.
April 23, 2007 @ 11:05 am
I would like to clarify a couple points.
When I say that guilt and fear are poor motivators, I mean that they don’t generally do anything good for us. They might keep us going to church for fear that we’ll go to hell (or not reach the Celestial Kingdom), but they won’t help us to love our brothers and sisters, to be more honest, find happiness, etc.
Also, the Christian atonement myth may be nominally centered on love, but the foundation of that myth is guilt and fear. “Aren’t you grateful that Jesus loved you so much that he died to wash you clean and save you from the eternal burnings of hell, you filthy, disgusting, sinful wretch.” There is no need for Jesus’ love if we don’t believe the second half of that thought regarding guilt and fear.
April 23, 2007 @ 4:02 pm
I feel compelled to respond to your last comment (s).
I am a born-again Christian, not LDS.
A need for a Savior stems from our own shortcomings as humans. We can’t do it all no matter how hard we try. We’ll always make mistakes.
I think you made a positive step, letting go of guilt. We all make mistakes. We don’t have to let that rule our lives, instead, we let it go.
I think the next step is realizing that Jesus came to the earth to save it, not condemn it. John 3:17.
So, I would say we let it go by giving it to God. I John 1:9 says, if we confess our sins (screw ups) He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Believe you dirty, rotten, sinner system seems a bit harsh. I’m the most headstrong person I know, but I do know if someone told me to do something because I had to, I would not, for just that reason alone.
God gives us free will to choose whether we’ll follow him or not. There is no guilt. You make your decision to follow him, or you don’t follow him.
Therefore, I don’t believe that guilt and fear motivate me to accept that Jesus died on the cross as the perfect sacrifice to cleanse me from my sins. I believe I realize I can’t do it by myself and need some help and that’s why I choose Jesus.
April 23, 2007 @ 5:23 pm
Greetings Anna,
I’m pleasantly surprised you’re still reading.
If I’ve misrepresented your personal beliefs through my ignorance or by using too broad a brush, I apologize.
A need for a Savior stems from our own shortcomings as humans. We can’t do it all no matter how hard we try. We’ll always make mistakes.
I’m asking the following questions honestly, in case I have misunderstood. I admit that my understanding of general Christian soteriology might be deficient.
Why do we need to be saved from our mistakes? What is it about our mistakes that threatens us? What can’t we do by ourselves?
I know the LDS answers which rely heavily on shame and fear, but I’m interested to hear your answers.
I think you made a positive step, letting go of guilt. We all make mistakes. We don’t have to let that rule our lives, instead, we let it go.
I now think much of my guilt was unnecessary, the product of Mormon—and by extension Pauline Christian—theology. It was only through letting go of that theology that I was able to let go of the guilt. Perhaps that isn’t everyone’s experience, but it was certainly mine.
Therefore, I don’t believe that guilt and fear motivate me to accept that Jesus died on the cross as the perfect sacrifice to cleanse me from my sins.
I pondered your comments as I drove home today. I tried to imagine Christianity without the basis of fear and guilt, and I must admit that I couldn’t do it. I can see being grateful to a creator who gives us life, but without fear and guilt I see no reason for Jesus.
If there is no fear that we will be separated from God or go to Hell, and if there is no guilt associated with mistakes, why exactly do we need Jesus to die for us?
April 24, 2007 @ 8:25 am
Anna, I was thinking about your comments on my way in to work this morning (is anyone detecting a pattern?), and I believe we are talking about different things. You are talking about your personal motivation behind your choice to be Christian. Perhaps your personal motivation emphasizes the carrot of love while suppressing the stick of fear.
I’m talking about Christianity’s raison d’être. Since I have given up on the idea of sin and hell (but not morality), I have lost all motivation to seek a savior. I no longer see a reason for Jesus’ sacrifice. The desire to be saved has been replaced by a sense of personal accountability. I am responsible for my actions. No one else can take away all of the credit or the blame for my own choices.
April 24, 2007 @ 3:04 pm
You have a choice life or death (Rom. 6:23).
The current concept of Hell is a fiery lake of brimstone. Satan and his angels will be the only ones cast into the fiery lake (Revelations somewhere). Death is separation from God. (When Jesus was crucified, he cried, My God! My God! Why have your forsaken me?) If you don’t believe in God, then maybe that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.
However, if you had the secret formula for eternal youth and could live in a place free of violence and suffering, wouldn’t you choose it? You can choose to quit living or you can choose to continue living, no fear, no guilt.
The secret formula is actually quite simple, believing Jesus. Romans 10:9-10. If we believe Jesus, then we follow his teachings. (You are already following His teachings by being moral.) The same as if you believed Budda, and you followed his teachings. Now Budda isn’t a diety, but I think the concept is similar. All we have to do is believe that Jesus forgave us. That’s it.
I will admit as a young believer (child) I was terrified of going to Hell, and that is why I was sure that I had to believe in Jesus. But, then, that nagging always got to me, what if I’m not believing enough, even Jesus said that the demons know there is a God and sudder. This continued into high school. I wish there was that A-ha moment I could relate, but there wasn’t. Gradually, through prayer, meditation, talking/listening to others, and study, I came to the place I am now.
Also, though I’ve been a Christian my entire life, I have my share of shameful secrets, who hasn’t. But, it is nice to know that if I believe in Christ (meaning that I believe that he came to die for our sins and was raised again) that he will wipe those things away. It took me many many many years to get to that point, where I truly believe Jesus forgave me, no strings attached. Since Jesus forgave me, I’m free of the guilt that I was carrying needlessly. And, I don’t have to do penance, or good deeds, to make up for my screw ups.
It seems that if you are accountable to yourself for your actions, then you can justify anything you do since you are only accountable to yourself. It seems that is why people justify shooting a spouse for cheating. Even though the punishment, death, is far worse than cheating.
As for Christianity’s raison d’etre (sorry, no fancy italics here), I would suggest these verses: Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8, Romans 6:23, Romans 8:1, Romans 10:9-10. Fondly called Roman’s Road in my circles.
I look forward to your response. Your journey has made me look my faith in the eye.
April 24, 2007 @ 7:30 pm
You have a choice life or death (Rom. 6:23).
The current concept of Hell is a fiery lake of brimstone. Satan and his angels will be the only ones cast into the fiery lake (Revelations somewhere). Death is separation from God. (When Jesus was crucified, he cried, My God! My God! Why have your forsaken me?) If you don’t believe in God, then maybe that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.
However, if you had the secret formula for eternal youth and could live in a place free of violence and suffering, wouldn’t you choose it? You can choose to quit living or you can choose to continue living, no fear, no guilt.
Interesting. So the choice is between being with God and ceasing to exist? Or is the choice between being with God and being somewhere else away from God which isn’t hell? Is death the end of the opportunity to choose?
It’s also interesting that what you’re saying accords well with Mormon beliefs about the afterlife. Mormons believe that only Satan and his angels will go to hell while everyone else will either be with God in the Celestial Kingdom or somewhere else.
I don’t know if you’re aware of this already, so I’ll share it just in case. When Jesus cried out “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” it always bothered me because it seemed to show a lack of faith in God. Then Brother J.R. from the LDS congregation that Lacey and I attended when we were first married pointed something out which changed my perspective on Jesus’ outcry.
Psalm 22 starts out with those exact words. Jesus’ Jewish listeners would have been intimately familiar with the Psalms and would have immediately recognized the reference. Psalm 22 begins with the outcry of a persecuted man, praying that God would deliver him. It ends with the psalmist praising God.
Jesus was teaching a sly lesson about faith in God in the face of desperate adversity. I highly recommend reviewing Psalm 22 with this in mind. Thought you would like to know.
However, if you had the secret formula for eternal youth and could live in a place free of violence and suffering, wouldn’t you choose it?
Not too long ago I would have quickly agreed with you. Now I’m not so sure I would. It is because of our suffering that we have compassion on others. Without suffering, compassion is meaningless. What reason would we have to have compassion in heaven without suffering. Perhaps God didn’t have room to express compassion without this place of suffering, cloistered in the safe halls of heaven.
I don’t want to live where there is no compassion. Such a place wouldn’t be heaven to me.
The secret formula is actually quite simple, believing Jesus. Romans 10:9-10.
The formula certainly is simple.
It would be quite difficult for me to implement it. I really, honestly tried very hard to believe that Jesus had died for me. There are in my mind just too many reasons to doubt that Christianity reflects how the world really works.
Also, though I’ve been a Christian my entire life, I have my share of shameful secrets, who hasn’t. But, it is nice to know that if I believe in Christ (meaning that I believe that he came to die for our sins and was raised again) that he will wipe those things away. It took me many many many years to get to that point, where I truly believe Jesus forgave me, no strings attached. Since Jesus forgave me, I’m free of the guilt that I was carrying needlessly. And, I don’t have to do penance, or good deeds, to make up for my screw ups.
What happened for me is that I stopped believing in sin and most of my guilt went away. It was quite shocking how quickly my outlook changed.
I would never have considered discussing certain topics before I let go of God. I would have been too ashamed. I had been afraid that the weight of my sins would follow me forever. Now the only guilt that I’m left with is regret for causing others’ suffering. I don’t feel guilty for offending God. I don’t fear eternal punishment or separation from God. I no longer fear eternity because I believe this life is all that I have.
I once heard from a wise teacher that forgiveness is giving up the hope for a better past. I can’t change the past. All I can do is try my best to make up for the past and try my to avoid doing things that I will regret in the future. I’ve made my peace with that. I no longer feel the need to be forgiven in the ultimate sense promised by Christianity.
It is counterintuitive to those of us who were raised religious, but I experienced joy and peace when I let go of God. I recently read an excellent article about the stages that many people go through as they leave their religion. It’s striking how many people describe their experiences in such similar terms. I really identify with them.
It seems that if you are accountable to yourself for your actions, then you can justify anything you do since you are only accountable to yourself. It seems that is why people justify shooting a spouse for cheating. Even though the punishment, death, is far worse than cheating.
My morality is now based on empathy rather than the law of God. I choose to avoid harming others because I can feel their pain. I want to help others because I have suffered, too. I am a good person because I choose for various reasons to be so, not necessarily because I am accountable to someone else.
As for Christianity’s raison d’etre (sorry, no fancy italics here), I would suggest these verses: Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8, Romans 6:23, Romans 8:1, Romans 10:9-10. Fondly called Roman’s Road in my circles.
I’ve linked the scripture references to make it easier for others to look them up. Thank you for sharing them. I guess I just don’t see why I need to be saved any more. Romans 6:23 no longer rings true for me. It’s interesting because at one time I saw things like you do, but not anymore.
It’s strange to look back and remember being so sure I was right. Now I have very different beliefs and I’m still convinced that I’m right.
It makes me distrust that feeling of surety. Apparently I can be very sure of something that is completely wrong (either me now or me then is wrong, possibly both).
I look forward to your response. Your journey has made me look my faith in the eye.
I’m happy to hear it. The world would be a better place if we all took the time to examine our beliefs more closely.
June 22, 2007 @ 11:09 am
Jonathan,
I have thoroughly and completely enjoyed reading your blog, as well as your wife’s blog. At the end of 2006, I stopped attending Mormon services. I began to talk to my wife about that possibility starting last summer. My experiences in so many ways sound very similar to yours. It’s exciting and interesting to read, and it brings out a lot of emotions and memories. I am agnostic and have serious concerns about the church. But, I also have a deep respect for the church, and my wife, too, continues to be active in the church.
Recognizing a need for religious and spiritual activity in my life (even though I do not believe in the supernatural), I got involved with a Unitarian Universalist congregation here in State College, PA, where I attend grad school. It fulfills a need I have in my life to connect to others, reach outside myself, and in some way honor, reflect on, and try to improve humanity and our planet. I would probably consider myself a religious humanist.
I came to your blog after reading comments you posted on the Sunstone Blog. I am Guido.
In many ways, I wish that none of this had ever happened. My life would be much easier that way! But, I had to be honest to myself and to my wife. It took a lot of courage to leave. I’m OK, and my wife is OK. In fact, in many ways, we are the happiest we have been in years, because we are being honest to each other and true to ourselves. She is definitely sad, but knows that I love her and our children deeply and strive to be a good father and husband.
Thanks for sharing all your experiences. And thanks to your wife, too. By the way, where do you guys live?
June 22, 2007 @ 12:13 pm
Greetings Stephen Merino,
I am grateful for the internet and how it brings together people of similar experience. It’s good to have community that isn’t bound by geography.
I’ve considered attending a UU service, but it currently conflicts with time of my wife’s ward. Maybe when the schedule changes next year.
I thought I was being honest with myself before, but I wasn’t. I was hiding the part of myself which doubted. The difference between then and now is like night and day. I too am much happier now.
I find myself in the middle of the conservative Mormon community of Las Vegas.
(I’m kidding less than you might imagine.)
Toy said,
October 4, 2007 @ 2:31 pm
Jonathan,
I have family members who have had similar experiences to the one you described above. I, as an active member of the LDS church, have a hard time understanding exactly what they and you have experienced because I have had multiple experiences in my life that have assurred me of the truthfulness of my beliefs.
I don’t want you to feel like I am attacking you with the question I am about to ask, but I have always been curious to here the answer of those who don’t believe in God. The question is: Where did you, the earth, and everything in existence come from if God doesn’t exist? How is the earth and everything on it created in such order and precision without a Creator? I would love to hear your feelings.
October 4, 2007 @ 2:56 pm
Greetings Toy,
Thanks for taking the time to read and ask questions.
That is a thorny question. I think it’s a thorny question for everyone, though, not just atheists. Proposing that God (or an infinite series of Gods) created the universe only pushes the question back a bit. If God created the universe, then where did God come from? Or how did the first God come into existence? You can read also some of my thoughts on this topic in a dialog (trialog?) that I wrote.
What are your thoughts on how God happened to exist?