Green Oasis

My deconversion story in haiku:

Willfully ignorant.
Now less fear of growing up,
Being true to myself.

Update: Maybe not 17 syllables, but better than it was when I first posted it.

I’ve still been pondering my reluctance to share my secret name, turning my feelings over in my mind like an excavated artifact. Maybe I hesitate because I value this secret as something special to me alone, even though I know intellectually that I share it with others. When I received it, I assigned special meaning to it, making it a talisman signifying something special about me.

I also hesitate to share the name because once the secret is out there, my actions can’t be undone. I feel trepidation at the thought of irrevocable actions.

It’s been an interesting psychological case study. So be it.

On the fateful day I was clothed in the Garment of the Holy Priesthood and received my Endowment, I heard these words: “With this garment, I give you a new name, which you should always remember and which you must keep sacred and never reveal, except at a certain place that will be shown you hereafter. The name is White Cloud.”

Gotcha! That’s my secret Indian name from Webelos camp. You thought I was going to give up my true name so easily. You should have known better.

Better luck next time,

Peter

A few quotes to chew on during the upcoming V-day. No, the other V-day. (Kudos to their awesome typographical logo ({}) which I’ll give you some time to contemplate.)

I think no more of taking a wife than I do of buying a cow. (Apostle Heber Kimball, the man who gave his 14-year-old daughter to Joseph Smith in marriage, Wife No. 19, p. 292)

Husbands, love and treasure your wives. They are your most precious possessions. (President Gordon Hinckley, Closing Remarks, General Conference, April 2007)

Elders, never love your wives one hair’s breadth further than they adorn the Gospel, never love them so but that you can leave them at a moment’s warning without shedding a tear. Should you love a child any more than this? No.… When you love your wives and children, are fond of your horses, your carriages, your fine houses, your goods and chattels, or anything of an earthly nature, before your affections become too strong, wait until you and your family are sealed up unto eternal lives, and you know they are yours from that time henceforth and for ever.…

When the wife secures to herself a glorious resurrection, she is worthy of the full measure of the love of the faithful husband, but never before. And when a man has passed through the vail, and secured to himself an eternal exaltation, he is then worthy of the love of his wife and children,…

(Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 3, pp. 360–61)

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife… as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.—Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. (Latter-day Saint Messenger and Advocate, Nov. 1835)

Brother Cannon remarked that people wondered how many wives and children I had. He may inform them, that I shall have wives and children by the million, and glory, and riches and power and dominion, and kingdom after kingdom, and reign triumphantly. (Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 8, pp. 178–79)

Do you think that I am an old man? I could prove to this congregation that I am young; for I could find more girls who would choose me for a husband than can any of the young men. (Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 5, p. 210)

You and each of you solemnly covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar that you will each observe and keep the law of your husband and abide by his counsel in righteousness. Each of you bow your head and say, “Yes.” (Covenant made by Mormon women in the pre-1990 temple endowment)

One more for good measure on how Brigham feels about apostates like me:

I say, rather than that apostates should flourish here [in Salt Lake City], I will unsheath my bowie knife, and conquer or die. (Great commotion in the congregation, and a simultaneous burst of feeling, assenting to the declaration.) Now, you nasty apostates, clear out, or judgment will be put to the line, and righteousness to the plummet. (Voices, generally, ‘go it, go it.’) If you say it is right, raise your hands. (All hands up.) Let us call upon the Lord to assist us in this, and every good work. (Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 1, p. 83)

In his speech at the national prayer breakfast, President Obama said:

I was not raised in a particularly religious household. I had a father who was born a Muslim but became an atheist, grandparents who were non-practicing Methodists and Baptists, and a mother who was skeptical of organized religion, even as she was the kindest, most spiritual person I’ve ever known. She was the one who taught me as a child to love, and to understand, and to do unto others as I would want done.

I didn’t become a Christian until many years later, when I moved to the South Side of Chicago after college. It happened not because of indoctrination or a sudden revelation, but because I spent month after month working with church folks who simply wanted to help neighbors who were down on their luck—no matter what they looked like, or where they came from, or who they prayed to. It was on those streets, in those neighborhoods, that I first heard God’s spirit beckon me. It was there that I felt called to a higher purpose—His purpose.

Raised by non-religious parents, Mr. Obama came later in life to follow a God of compassionate service. I want to take this chance to point out that freethinking parents can do well by their children. I appreciate that Obama was able to separate religiosity and spirituality.

While I doubt that I will ever again follow any god, even as benevolent as Mr. Obama’s seems to be, I too want to work together to better the situation of all those who share this world with me.

Some spoke not of rage, but of a moment when, like a revelation, the contradictions would be resolved if they simply accepted that the church is not true. As Michael L. described, “Though you see your entire identity and your life potentially shattering and crumbling around you, it’s almost like standing in the eye of a storm, where you come to realize that now everything makes sense.”

That statement rings true to my experience. I wasn’t angry when I first accepted that Mormonism doesn’t reflect reality. The anger came later and has since subsided. When I learned truths that had been hidden from me, I felt my world slipping away. In the midst of chaos, the idea came to me that Mormonism was false. It seemed so simple a thing. Once I grasped this little idea, the world came into focus again, but sharper than ever before.