Green Oasis

The first edition—and if there’s any justice in this wretched universe, the last—of a heretofore nameless comic, courtesy of Make-O Your Own Stinko!.

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Any ideas for future editions? I’m plumb out.

(via Pharyngula)

There was one time when I was a Mormon missionary that the Jehovah’s Witnesses started to canvas the same street we were on. Lucky for them they backed down. I’d hate for things to get ugly.

Let’s get it on!

I recently found some rather amusing and unflattering parodies of the Mormon thought process (via Floating in the Milk). I recognize many of those thought patterns in myself and in the discourse of other members of the LDS church. I thought like this once. Here are a few of my favorites, handpicked for their relevance to me, and edited to my personal taste. I tried to make them less parody and more analysis.

Argument from warm fuzzies

1. The Book of Mormon makes vague promises about good feelings which would show me that the words of the Book of Mormon are true.
2. I sometimes have good feelings when I read it and pray about the Book of Mormon.
3. Therefore the church is true.

This is my own contribution to the list. It’s a complete non sequitur. What makes it worse is that as a Mormon I allowed the Book of Mormon to tell me how to determine that the Book of Mormon is God’s word. I trusted it to tell me how to test its own truthfulness.

Argument from Anti-Mormonism

1. Satan wants to destroy the true church.
2. Anti-Mormons have all kinds of evidence that the church is false.
3. This evidence is very destructive to the claims of the church.
4. Anything which might destroy the church comes from Satan.
5. Therefore the church is true.

This circular reasoning really frustrates me. No matter what evidence is brought against the claims of the church, it is all perceived as the work of the devil precisely because of the fact that it contradicts the claims of the church. The evidence is often discounted on that basis alone, prima facie. This line of reasoning makes Mormons immune to all contradictory evidence no matter how valid that evidence may be.

Argument from the round earth

1. People once thought the Earth was flat.
2. The Earth was actually round.
3. Therefore all modern science, including archeology, is probably wrong when it contradicts the teachings of the church.
4. Therefore the church is true.

I used this thought process to assuage many doubts that arose due to scientific evidence which contradicted the claims of Mormonism.

Argument from The Three Nephites

1. There are three immortal white guys called the Three Nephites who have been walking around North America for 2000 years.
2. Some Native American legends talk about “white ghosts”.
3. I bet those stories are about the Three Nephites!
4. Therefore the church is true.

I hear this kind of cherry-picking of historical evidence all the time at church: flood stories, Quetzalcoatl, etc. get used to demonstrate the ancient roots of Mormonism.

The Mormon Cosmological argument

1. Something caused the universe to exist.
2. It wasn’t God, because he is part of a society of Gods.
3. It wasn’t his God, because he is part of a long line of Gods.
4. What was it?
5. It must have been something!
6. Therefore the church is true.

I was always told as a Mormon to avoid delving into the mysteries of godliness. This warning translates into “Don’t ask so many questions (especially ones we don’t have answers for).” Why did I allow myself to be cowed into not asking more questions?

Argument from evil

1. God has a plan for everything.
2. He must allow bad things to happen because we learn and grow from them.
3. Yes, even small children who were chopped up by machetes in Rwanda while their mothers watched.
4. Yes, even the kids who were sent to the ovens in Nazi Germany.
5. Horrible things do happen to innocent people, just as God planned!
6. Therefore the church is true.

This is more of a defense against the problem of evil than a real argument for the truth of Mormonism.

Argument from my testimony

1. You claim to not have a testimony.
2. But the only reason you say that is so you can sin like Hugh Hefner.
3. Deep down, you know the church is true. You’re just in denial.
4. Therefore the church is true.

Even if no one says this out loud, to my face, I know many Mormons believe this about me and will continue to believe it no matter how much I protest.

Argument from numbers

1. There are millions of Mormons.
2. Millions of people believe in Mormonism.
3. Millions of people can’t be wrong.
4. Therefore the church is true.
5. Therefore the Roman Catholic church is false.

There are some interesting trends in the statistics which the church publishes: raw growth, raw number of converts, converts per missionary, and percentage growth are all in long-term downward trends. Judging from the number of people I see at church on Sunday when compared to the list of members, extrapolating recklessly to the entire church, I would expect only about 4 million people bother to show up to church in a given month (the church’s benchmark for religious activity), far fewer than the 12 million names-on-the-church-records number that the church trumpets every General Conference. I actually think 4 million is a rather generous number. Another point: The LDS church is not the fastest growing church in the world.

Argument from obvious falseness—actually used by Nibley!

1. Joseph Smith’s tale is obviously absurd.
2. Joseph Smith wasn’t a complete idiot.
3. If he was going to make stuff up he wouldn’t make it look obviously false.
4. Therefore Joseph Smith wasn’t lying.
5. Therefore the church is true.

Argument from personal incredulity

1. I can’t believe Joseph Smith made the whole thing up. He wasn’t educated enough to come up with all those names and places.
2. Who could do that? Certainly not me.
3. Therefore the church is true.

Also seen in this variant: I personally have no good explanation for the existence of the Book of Mormon therefore the church is true. The lack of a really good explanation doesn’t mean that we must accept any of the equally poor alternatives.

Argument of ancestral sacrifice

1. Your ancestors gave up everything for the church.
2. One would not give up so much for something false.
3. Therefore the church is true.

This assumes that our ancestors had better information than we do. Our Mormon ancestors also believed in men living on the moon and the surface of the sun.

Argument from Joe’s contribution

1. Joseph Smith explained so many things.
2. Nobody has given so many clear explanations (save Jesus).
3. Therefore the church is true.

The explanations are only clear if you are asking the approved questions. Stray too far from that path and questions cease to have satisfactory answers.

Argument from crabs in a basket

1. I am a General Authority pretending to be a special witness for Christ.
2. The other General Authorities seem convinced they really are special witnesses.
3. Sure as hell! I am not going to be the first to admit I am bluffing.
4. Therefore the church is true.

I am positive that many General Authorities are sincere, but once they’re called as General Authorities, they are expected to project an image of certainty. There must be tremendous social pressure to play the part even if they really don’t feel like they’re any better qualified to be a witness for Christ than the average member. I can easily imagine a man being called as an Apostle thinking to himself “But I’ve never had a revelation of Jesus Christ that would justify being called an ‘Apostle’.” The man accepts his calling on the faith that the Lord would qualify whom he calls and waits patiently for something that would justify his calling as a special witness of Christ. Time goes on and he settles into his role and never receives that special witness, but his worries are swallowed up in the busy-ness of his calling.

This is pure speculation I admit, but this follows the pattern in my own life, even when I was called as an Elders Quorum President (which calling I never served in—long story). I’m simply extrapolating to Bishops, Stake Presidents, and (why not?) Apostles.

Argument from disasters

1. The scriptures predict that calamities and wickedness will befall the earth before Christ’s second coming.
2. The world is in the worst shape ever.
3. Therefore the church is true.

This is another argument that I added to the list. The problem with this argument—other than that it is a non sequitur like all of the other arguments—is that it the world is not necessarily in the worst shape ever. It is just as easy to argue that we are all better off than ever. It depends on how you look at the data.

The truth is that I didn’t use these arguments to find out truth, but rather to rationalize my foregone conclusions. I wanted Mormonism to be the truth, so I found intellectually dishonest ways to shore up my beliefs. I’m pretty sure that I knew better, but I went along anyway. My own fears and desires kept me in a church which taught things that I couldn’t believe while being honest with myself.

Are there any other arguments that have been missed?

A bit of a diversion from the typical fare in these parts. Perhaps this is old news to most, but I thought I would share my appreciation for Alanis Morissette‘s satirical genius. To set the stage, first view the Black Eyed Peas version of My Humps. Then watch Alanis’ version. Better yet, just listen to it. All Alanis had to do was slow down the tempo and sing it like a ballad to show how ridiculous the original version was. It never fails to make me laugh.